Browsing back through this blog, I've noticed a title used repeatedly. The end. “'The End' of Submission” or just “The End,” which should have read, “The End of Porn.” But it wasn't the end of porn. Not for me or for the thing itself.
Recently, I could have written, “The End of Writing About Porn.” At least from a personal essay perspective. Of course, I could tackle the issue of mandatory condoms in porn until the end of the world. The same goes for any other hot topic issue, if or when it arises.
Writing about my own experiences in porn proves increasingly difficult. Because I've used both writing and porn to work through so many issues that I feel there are very few left to be explored through both mediums at once. Porn was sexual exploration, it was getting through school, it was a physical/psychological challenge, it landed me in the hospital, it allowed me to fall in love, and now it's just my job. I'm happy doing it. I feel I'm pretty good at it. And these days it doesn't cause me all that much stress (except whenAIDS profiteers try to shut it down with mandatory barrier protectionordinances that no one will follow... but I digress).
Writing is a way to deal with anything. I still do it all the time.
But when it comes to this blog, what am I supposed to write about? That I had a great (maybe mediocre) day fucking another girl? The biggest male porn star in the world runs a website like that. I think he's got it covered. Also, it's not my style.
Rehashing is boring. Old is boring. When I'm eighty and limping along on my walker, I'll be boring. According to some, I'm already there. However, a friend of mine recently told me, “When you wait long enough, something old becomes new again.” Then she hit me in the back with a leather flogger.
If you're me, or someone who pays attention to me, this is kind of strange. Because I publicly stated that I would no longer put myself in a position to get hit in the back with a leather flogger. At least not on camera. But my friend hit me on camera. She also fucked me in the ass – something I also claimed would NEVER happen again.
Why did I agree to this?
“I think it's interesting that every girl I've ever met in porn who's ended up a dom(inatrix) always started out as a sub[missive]. They know what it feels like to be on the other end of a whip. With guys, this almost never happens. What guy, other than me, do you know who will even think of subbing?” This is me talking to someone. On some set. I'm trying to explain why I'll go through with the shoot.
“Since I've been domming so much lately,” I continue, “I think it's important to remember what it feels like to be on the other end.”
One of the girls I say this to allows me to smack her around a bit, electrocute her, and fuck her in the ass. Then she goes, “I think the reason for doing that is 'empathy.' You already have empathy.”
The shoot director nods in agreement.
“Well, yeah... I guess you're right. I mean, some people already complain that I'm not a mean enough dom. But I take that as a compliment when I see who they're comparing me to.”
Why am I agreeing to sub on camera after a three year break?
Prior to the shoot, I'm interviewed. “I think it had a lot to do with [my friend].” There's some explanation about her convincing me.
Then she goes, “Actually, all I did was ask him if he would do it, and he said, 'Yes.'”
I counter with an explanation. “There was an internal argument in my head.” Like, she was convincing me in my head. This makes no sense.
Some other bullshit comes out of my mouth that I think is more in line with the truth. [Keep in mind this is all on video somewhere. What I'm writing is not verbatim. It might not even be close. I might have also said, or thought I said this, when the tape was not rolling]. “When I think about porn... or not even porn... like fiction... I like the idea of people doing things they're uncomfortable with. Things they don't actually want to do.”
Later in the shoot, I'm submitted to various pain implementation. I'm supposed to ask for it or something, so my friend goes, “Do you like it?”
I answer, “I want other people to like it.”
This is probably closest to the answer. If the question is, “Why did I do the shoot?” It's something old, so the shoot is something new. A treat. Not for me. For other people. Hopefully fans. Or people who want to see me in pain. I'd prefer objectification, because that's more personally arousing. But whatever.
Literally, I am something new. Something different than when I started all this. It's been exactly seven years since I first got tied up and fucked in the ass for all the world to see. Biologically speaking, every single cell in the human skeleton is replaced every seven years. The thin, black-haired “Daniel” who appeared on MenInPain.com is a completely different thing than the “Danny Wylde” of today. I don't like getting hurt today or submitting to hardly anyone. So when I do it, it's something. Something more than a nineteen-year-old-boy going, “Oh, I need some money. What's this on Craigslist? Cool. I hope my parents don't find out.”
The thing with getting fucked in the ass is actually an entirely new experience. Nineteen-year-old “Daniel” didn't like getting fucked in the ass. Neither did twenty-four-year-old “Daniel/Danny Wylde.” Twenty-seven-year-old Danny Wylde, uh... Well, I'm probably not going to try it again because it's just too much effort. Though I guess if I stretch out my ass every day for a week, and then a really cute friend of mine jerks me off right before she shoves a dildo up my ass, and then keeps jerking me off while fucking me, that can be really cool. Like, I can actually stay hard. And come more than once.
I'll scratch it off the bucket list I never wrote.
Anyways, there's no dilemma in this story, nothing to come to terms with, no obstacle to overcome. I guess I just lack finality. That's the point, right? I lack finality and I'm still a whore. Sometimes I'll do things I don't want to do for money. I hope some of you out there appreciate that. Even when I say, “I quit,” it will be the end of nothing.