Friday, May 3, 2013

Watching Porn






No one is terrified in this post. The above just seems like an image someone comes up with when thinking about couples watching porn. It's also what Google comes up with. If the Internet is people, it's at least somewhat true.


But this post is about something better. I received one of the sweetest fan emails from the female side of a married, porn-watching couple. With her permission, I've decided to post it here.


"I just wanted to tell you that the relationship between you and Lily inspire myself and my husband. We are Christians and are often told that watching porn will ruin our relationship. First of all, it only makes our sex life BETTER and second, if two people IN the porn industry can have a real relationship, I'm pretty sure my husband and I are fine ;).

I'd like to tell you a funny story of how I found your and Lily's Make Love Not Porn video (which my husband and I have watched...and thoroughly enjoyed).

Since before I was married to Ben (not his real name), I knew his favorite porn star was a girl named Lily Labeau. This was really weird to me because, as a woman, you don't really pay attention to names. And since most of the videos I (used) to watch focus on the girl, I never even knew the names of any male porn actors. One day, a couple of weeks ago, I was doing my thing and found a video where the male was actually in it more than I've ever seen. Even the men that I had seen before never did anything for me. After watching it I searched more videos of you, and I couldn't believe....how good you were at your job. In one of my searches I found your Make Love Not Porn video and found out you and Lily were in a relationship! There could not have been a better film made for my husband and I. Our two favorite in one! So thank you for being so god damn good at your job, and I'd like to thank Lily for being so good at her job haha.

Just thought I'd let you know you two are inspiring two random 21-year-olds in Tucson, Az.

Thank you!


Samantha"
(not her real name... I just came up with it because... I think I knew a girl in high school named Samantha)

Aside from feeling flattered, I found this email to be extremely interesting. I've spent over three years writing and thinking about what it means to be a sex worker. However, I still don't know THAT much about how most people consume porn. So when I received a message that seemed to be an admission about how porn consumption works outside the stereotypes AND is actually a positive addition to a married couple's sex life, I immediately wanted to know more.

I wrote Samantha back, thanking her for the email, and then asked if I could ask her some questions about her relationship and porn consumption. To my delight, she agreed.

Again, with her permission, I'm posting the interview here.

1. How long have you been in a relationship with your partner? How long have you been married?

"Ben and I have been married for a year, we dated for a year before we got married, and we've known each other since we were 12."

2. Did both of you consume porn prior to starting this relationship? 

"Both of us had watched porn a lot before we started dating."

3. Under the assumption that at least one partner consumed porn prior to the relationship, what were the usual circumstances?
"We both had only masturbated by ourselves and watched videos on the internet. And then promptly deleted the history before our parents got back on the computers."

4. Were you both open about consuming porn at the start of the relationship? Who brought it up first? What was that conversation like? 
"Ben and I had known each other since we were 12, but neither of us knew the other watched porn. One night we were talking about being grounded growing up. I told him the first time I was ever grounded was when my mom found porn on the computer (I was 16). Ben thought, "Oh thank god, I'm off the hook". Ben told me that he watched porn too. We didn't really talk about it until a couple weeks later when I asked him what porn he liked to watch. I was so curious to know a real man's point of view on porn videos and to know what men really enjoyed. He was definitely more awkward talking about it than I was haha. I remember he didn't really want to tell me at first."

5. How do you consume porn within your relationship? I understand that it helps your sex life. In what ways? Do you watch it together? If so, do you still take time to watch it alone? Is there a difference in the experience of watching porn as a couple and watching porn alone?
"Ben works over nights on the weekends so we kind of have opposite schedules. So we masturbate by ourselves on the weekends usually. I do like to watch Ben masturbate while watching porn though. It turns me on. When we first had sex it hurt BAD for me. I went to the doctor and she just said I wasn't getting as wet as a normal woman. She gave me medicine to use, but I figured out myself that if I masturbated the day we had sex, I stayed somewhat wet from my orgasms and it made sex feel so much better. If I masturbate within an hour or two of sex it makes our sex amazing. I'm more comfortable which means we can try more positions and do some more fun things. Since having sex hurt for me, I couldn't really get orgasms because I would concentrate on the pain too much. But we tried watching porn during, and I could finally orgasm. At this point watching porn when we are together is more for me than him. It's just hot!"

6. What kind of porn do you like to watch?

"Ben likes to watch your typical porn, men banging women, women sucking dick, POV, but he doesn't like lesbian stuff. He is pretty picky though. It takes him a good amount of time before he picks a video to do it to, and I can't figure out why haha. I like to watch men go down on women mostly. And if the man knows what he's doing, that's a big turn on. Neither of us like bondage stuff. We just like nice, dirty sex. And the more real life, the better. Ben now goes towards videos that reflect our own sex life. I enjoy porn so much more now that I have had sex because I can now more imagine what it feels like, and I can get off faster."

7. How do you feel about your partner watching porn? 
"Ben prefers I watch porn because then I am more aroused. I get way horny for my husband after watching it. I don't mind that he watches it at all. I mean, he's a man. He's human. I understand. I know that at the end of the day, he wants to have sex with me. That's all that matters. We both watched it so much before being together that we understand it's a hard habit to break, and one that we have no interest in breaking. We do go to church and are told all the time that we shouldn't be watching porn. But honestly it feels good, it makes our sex life hot, and it's not hurting anyone. So we don't see the point."

8. Do you have any advice for other couples who want to incorporate porn into their sex lives?
"I think a big reason why couples don't watch porn together is jealousy. But porn is fantasy. You and your partner are real life. Your partner is with you for a reason and at the end of the night they want to sex YOU up. I can honestly say it does spice up your sex life to watch porn together. Yeah, you guys turn each other on. But it's different when you are being turned on by your partner and by watching something totally sexy. 

Something that we have found that's fun and exciting is to masturbate 'together.' We are in the same room but we do everything to ourselves. It's unbelievably sexy. Watching porn isn't for every couple, but if you are comfortable in your skin and want to add some kink to your sex life, I do suggest it.

My husband and I both have favorite porn stars and he thinks it's hot that I have one. 'It's not like you're going to go bang him.' And I knew his favorite since before we were married. And believe me, I watched her videos so that I could see what he was into haha. It's harmless and fun, everyone has favorite actors and actresses, it's the same thing really. You just see them naked."

Samantha then added...
"I should probably also tell you that Ben and I have never had any other partners. I had gone on a lot of one time dates and he had a girlfriend of a year and a half, but we both had planned on waiting until marriage. Although we had sex three months before our wedding, oops hah." 


Many thanks to Samantha and her husband (you know who you really are) for opening up and sharing their experiences. I wish you both the best with your life and marriage. 
Sincerely, 

Danny Wylde

8 comments:

  1. This article is really interesting because it breaks the stereotype of the type of people that watch porn. These people are a married Christian couple yet they find porn helps their sex life as much as anyone else. Thank you for posting this. As a Christian too I would never tell people I watch porn because of the image that the media portrays of the type of people who watch porn and porn itself. Has really opened my eyes.

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  2. (I'm telling you this because I don't really have anyone in my life I can tell and, frankly, the idea of telling you anonymously over the internet is a bit hot too.)

    When I saw you at the Fem Porn Convention this morning my first thought was "holy shit, no way." It's not as if I particularly follow your work in extreme depth but I first found you on kink.com and, well, I enjoy what you do. It was extremely weird for me to have someone I'd fantasized and masturbated over, there in the flesh. If I'd mustered the courage, I could've talked to you. I could've shaken your hand... My imagination was reeling.
    When we took the break between the group workshops and the final porn screening, I went back to my dorm room and couldn't help myself. I picked one of your shoots I hadn't seen from Kink and I masturbated with my napping roommate a cross the room. (That last part isn't particularly scandalous to me anymore, she hardly ever leaves the damn room so a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.)
    And, now, after the screening, I'm even more frustrated so I'll probably do it again before going to bed. I've never been so effected by someone but I suppose it makes sense that I subconsciously automatically "remembered" the arousal I'd felt whilst watching your scenes. They do say that first impressions are lasting.

    I just needed to get it off my chest somehow.

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  3. While I wish you would have approached me to say hi, I'm very happy with the masturbatory aftermath. Thank you for sharing!

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  4. "Samantha's" story is very close to both mine & my husband's. Except we've been married for 7 years & there's a bit of an ex-Mormon factor. With in the last couple weeks I decided to inquire more about porn & masturbation in general. Which recently lead me to be more open about it with my husband. (With a boob job & recent weight loss, I finally gained the courage to be more sexual with my husband. Like how things used to be before crazy work schedules & having a baby.)
    I have always been into porn in one way or another but my husband has always been mum on the subject. So I asked him about it one night after having sex & I told him that I was absolutely turned on by knowing that he used porn. Then to his surprise I told him that I use porn to masturbate as well. Since then it's been a new journey for us in every way. When you've been with someone for as long as we have you kind of run out of new things to discuss. We've had so much more sex that it's like we're newlyweds again... Ps. We have a 2 yr old so this is big!

    I personally feel that I would rather like to know what husbands wants then have him feel the need to hide.

    Thank you for this post & your personal work in the industry.
    B

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  5. My story is similar to "Samanth"s as well. Well, except that my hubby and I both have had other partners before we met. I view porn as a healthy way to explore yourself sexually. We have discovered much about ourselves watching together and separately. We've been together since 2006 and our sex life is rich, hot, and getting hotter. We have more sex than any other couple we know and have 2 kids under 5. I admire your work on and off screen. Due to some of your work (and others) we have explored and made our sex life EVEN hotter. We have grown as a couple and blossomed over these nearly 9 years. We are from the south and sex here is so hush hush and frowned upon that, the Internet has been a blessing.Bravo!

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