Monday, July 26, 2010

Amazon Wish List

This actually happened today. More fun pics follow the story.

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The Amazon Wish List features an option to place all one's desired items on a single list. I suppose the idea came from gift registries for weddings, baby showers, and even birthday parties for those with wealthy friends. But since the advent of Twitter and other Web 2.0 applications, porn stars across the globe now spend inordinate amounts of time compiling these “wish lists” for the purpose of acquiring loot from fans.

The idea isn't new. I know plenty of dominatrixes and Internet cam-whores who've set up accounts on and other sites dedicated to voluntary financial slavery. Some men (and women... maybe) appear to get off on spending money on people they've never met. I don't understand this fetish, but I certainly think it's funny.

Anyways, my ex has a wish list. So do many of my female friends. I've even heard that siblings of borderline porn/nude models will compile wish lists in the hopes that some wonderful pervert will donate an extra pair of shoes. I'm not sure how often this actually works, but I've seen the evidence first hand. Attractive girls who get naked on camera receive a lot of free shit.

So one day I was bored. I got on Twitter because it took up free time. One page of newly updated “tweets” displayed two requests to purchase items from Amazon wish lists. One was brand new. Another claimed a girl was having a bad day and needed someone to spoil her.

“I always need someone to spoil me,” I thought. And so I made my own wish list.

These were among the items: an American flag, an anti-child-pornography awareness ribbon business card holder, a book on talking to tweens, breast milk storage bags, and a one-size-fits all corn-on-the-cob Halloween costume.

After posting the list to Twitter, I got the expected results. People thought it was funny, which is why most things are “tweeted” in the first place. I even claimed that I would post pictures posing with any of the items actually purchased on my behalf.

Fast forward: one week later. I actually receive a corn-on-the-cob Halloween outfit in the mail. The realization hits me that some person out there has a good sense of humor or is bat-shit fucking crazy. Because he is now out sixty dollars for the pleasure of knowing that I own a styrofoam suit that sort-of resembles a piece of corn.

(Since my recent tweets, I'm pretty sure that @20thCenturyGayM is in on the joke.)

But anyways, I intend to keep my promise.

Donning my new costume, I approach a couple of homeless women sitting on the corner of Western and Wilshire near downtown Los Angeles. Given most people ignore the homeless, they seem quite surprised to find I'm speaking to them. But it may have more to do with the fact that I look like corn-on-the-cob.

“Excuse me, ladies,” I say. “Would either of you be interested in doing a small job for me?”

“Depends on what it is,” says the one with teeth.

“Well, someone bought me this outfit and I told them I would take some pictures while wearing it. It should only take about fifteen minutes. I'll give you five bucks, we'll go into the super market, you'll take some pictures of me, and I'll buy you some groceries on top of that.”

“I'll do it,” says the same woman. “My name's Rachel.” She extends her hand. “Cool costume.”

“Chris,” I tell her, shaking it. Then, “Thanks.”

There's not much more to tell. Rachel picks out some necessities (she really likes dairy products) and gives me the low-down on all the security guards. “That guy who called you a dork, he was fired last year for smoking crack in the bathroom. He had hookers in there and everything.”

I stand in front of various corn products and ask her to snap some shots.

Rachel seems invested in the way each photo turns out because she takes plenty of time framing them with my iPhone. “I hope you like it,” she tells me. “If I moved too much, just let me know, and I'll take it again.”

“They're perfect,” I say. “Thanks again.”

Afterwards, we give one of the purchased sandwiches to her friend and Rachel takes a picture of us.

I'm aware of my mild exploitation, but it seems like we all had fun. Plus the women get to eat, and @20thCenturyGayM gets his photos, and maybe some whores on Twitter get crushed by my superior Amazon wish list.

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Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

My actual Amazon Wish List:


  1. LOL! This is the funniest and awesomest thing ever! And the fact that you gave money and got some food for some homeless people makes it even awesomer! *swoon* :)

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