Saturday, October 23, 2010

Straight Edge Porn Star





Straight Edge Porn Star

I don't smoke
I don't drink
I don't fuck
At least I can fucking think.


-Out of Step by Minor Threat



I’d be lying to say it didn’t all start out as a joke.

Punk was dead. Hardcore had become a commodified trend. And straight edge was a movement that never even reached my home town.

I grew up at the end of an era. The musicians I looked up to were already disbanding. Kids turned out to shows with more makeup than dignity. The musk of blood and sweat became slave to hair product and the scent of name brand perfume.

The first time I saw a straight edge tattoo, it was etched on the calf of a jaded, young man pounding forties outside his own hardcore punk venue. Whatever scene he used to belong to was gone. I only witnessed the death of his idealism filtered through a can of malt liquor.

Sure, kids still sported X’s on their fists. And they banded together under the guise of a drug-free lifestyle. But it was like a game. Whoever came up with the most far-fetched way to avoid pharmaceuticals was king. Or at least the most pretentious of the bunch.

“I’d never take an anesthetic,” a boy once told me. “Even if I got my tonsils removed.”

“I’m not sure you can legally request that.”

“Fuck that,” he said. “It’s my body. I have the right to treat it with respect.”

There was little desire to associate myself with the straight edge scene. It just seemed like another outlet for posturing, or an excuse to wear bad ink. I never crossed the back of my hands with felt tip markers, nor did I harass my stoner friends for continuing on with my old habits. But at some point I made a decision.

When someone offered me a drink, I’d throw up my arms in the shape of an X, and laugh. “Where’s your edge?” I’d ask.

“Seriously? You’re straight edge?”

My response was always, “Well...”



The need for labels came with a new environment. I made my escape just as planned. My academic record granted me acceptance to a university far enough from where I'd used to call home. I was ecstatic. But in many ways, I had to start over. I had to reintroduce myself to the world. No longer did I have the history associated with childhood friends. To those around me, I was this: student, banana slug (my university's mascot), and dormitory resident. Anything else was an ill-informed guess.

But there were two observations most anyone could make. I was the guy who listened to hardcore, and the only one on my floor who didn't drink or do drugs. For those who grew up taking part in the former, there was a simple way to figure me out. I was straight edge. And whatever else I became, they could at least call me that.

So I owned it. I was steadfast. I became that straight edge kid.



Today, I acknowledge my practical idealism. It's something I take part in every day. Unlike god or politics, I don't have to preach my views to see the effects. I embody them. I am drug-free.

Yet, the label may have run its course. According to some, I'm as much a poser as the corporate hooker who calls himself “punk.” I fuck for money and swallow more Cialis than men twice my age. If anything, I wear the brand of youth subculture because I'm afraid to grow up.

And it may be true. My friends all live elsewhere. Otherwise, they're of a different sort. I hang out with film school graduates, pornographers, and other quasi-professionals. Our labels are based on what we do for a living. Or what we've already done. Our interests matter because they're part of what keep us friends. But I used to define someone by the music he listened to, or an arbitrary trait like the color of his hair. Now, it's just his job. And I fucking hate that.

So despite not holding a sign over my head, I want to keep my label. Perhaps not as the primary source of my identity, but I still want to be known as that straight edge kid. I yearn for the strict accountability only valued in youth: “Cops are pigs, politicians scum, capitalism- the worst system to befall man, but we can still make a difference if only we uphold these ideals. If only we fight.”

But fight for what? That's the problem when looking back. Stage dives and pile-ons are forms of camaraderie, but no one enacts social change from the floor of a crusty club. I suppose lyrics provide inspiration. Aggression may act as a catalyst for some other revolution. But if all I've taken past my adolescence is a personal pact to stay sober, I can't say I've had much success.

To this day, I put aside my beliefs for money. At least once a month I participate in productions where I'm asked to act drunk. Worse still, I watch hundred-pound girls down three vodkas and brush coke from the bottom of their nose. They look into the camera and say, “No,” to the following question: “Are you under the influence of any drugs or alcohol?" Then they nod when asked, "Are you participating under your own free will?”

But why I should I care? I'm not a straight edge evangelist. I certainly don't have grounds for moral superiority. Besides, most my friends partake in one or more controlled substances. And they all seem alright.

However, the kids are what kill me. The teenage porno hunters who read something, and then reach out to call my bluff: “Being sober is fine, but don't call yourself straightXedge. Read the Minor Threat lyrics. Having sex for a living isn't 'edge.'”

Never mind the hypocrisy of such statements. It's the suggestion that counts. I've grown to the age where I can now acknowledge this fact: I am capable of carrying out separate ideals in both my head and heart. My life is a contradiction. To those still developing their crucial world view, I have already failed. It doesn't matter that they probably have too.

So here's the only practical advice I can give a young boy or girl. It's more fun to fuck when your dick still works, and it feels better when you're not about to pass out. But if you think you've found the sexual holy grail by rolling on E, let me tell you this: to everyone else (or me), you're annoying as fuck. And you should cut that shit out.

But what do I know? I'm just a straight edge porn star.

10 comments:

  1. This is a pretty interesting topic, and I kinda wanna go all "question girl" for a sec. So, is having sex itself frowned upon when you're straight edge, or is it just in the context of what you do? I understand the drugs and drinking, but I dunno, it seems kind of odd to lump sex with that. I mean, yeah, sex can be addicting depending on the kind of person you are, but it doesn't really, I dunno, "alter my consciousness" the way drinking and drugs do. But then, my experiences are more limited compared to others, so who knows? Still gotta give you respect for not drinking and doing drugs, though, it's a rare person to find where I live. :P

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  2. Hi Danny,
    I’ve just recently started reading your blog and short stories and I’m very impressed at the quality of your writing and how thought-provoking your opinions are. I will admit that when I first found your blog I had expected to find something that catered more to the twenty-something year old male mind. I was, of course, pleasantly surprised by your liberal narrative and interesting points of view.
    Have you ever heard of Douglas Coupland? He is a writer from my area of the world and wrote ‘Generation X’. (He’s written a lot of novels that I love and a few that I hate, but I digress) I feel that you write in a similar way in that you take outrageous and extraordinary events and present them in a very mundane way. That is to say you make them believable and relatable to the reader. I feel that in this way any topic you may choose to discuss in your blog now approachable on a basic level. It is no longer something that could only occur to a male adult-film star but could also be possible in the world of a Canadian social work student.
    Well, now that I’ve written my entire thesis I just want to quickly comment on this post! I will admit that apart from the perfunctory Sex-Pistols CD I bought in grade ten I was never much into the punk or hardcore scene in my city. (Unless, of course, you count the shows I attended religiously in high school because the boy I thought I loved played guitar in an ‘emo’-style band) I had never heard of the Straight Edge lifestyle until I was 19 and only then it was because someone referred to me as such. I don’t drink or smoke or do drugs. I can’t really pinpoint why this is but I do know that part of it has to do with a fear of losing control. My experiences with drinking, or lack thereof, have been of significant interest to the people I meet. I often face disbelief, annoyance or down-right hostility when I tell people at a party or a bar that I do not drink. I am always cajoled for a reason and when I do not give one I get harassed. Do you ever feel this way? I’ve never been drunk, even, and I think this pisses people off more. As if I don’t have any right to choose not to drink because I ‘don’t know what it’s like’.
    Like you, however, I enjoy being set apart from those who drink or do drugs because I feel that I am always accountable for my actions regardless of the actions of those around me. I don’t ever want to stand up at the end of my life and blame my transgressions on something outside of myself. When someone criticises you for fucking for a living and calls you a hypocrite remember that. The only judgement you should ever be concerned with is the judgement you place on yourself which you have already acknowledged.
    Finally, those ideals you fight for? Keep fighting. I truly believe that you, or I, or the next person to read this can make a difference simply by looking at the world differently. It doesn’t matter if we live a contradiction – there’s no changing that. What we can do is recognise our biases and fucked-up habits and just be aware.
    Wow, sorry for the unsolicited novel there. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and I look forward to your next post.
    Kim

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  3. Amanda-

    To answer your question, it depends. There's no real "bible" for straightedge. It's a movement based off hardcore subculture, so the only real doctrine comes from lyrics, zines, and independent communities. Straightedge, at its core, is about respecting your body and mind, and keeping both healthy. Most everyone agrees this includes staying away from drugs and alcohol. The sex thing splits people up. But I think it's more about promiscuous sex, and the likelihood of harming your body through contracting STIs. I obviously don't adhere to an anti-sex lifestyle. I wouldn't necessarily call what I do promiscuous, but it involves sex with many partners.


    To do-not-blink-

    Thanks for commenting on the blog. Always love to hear from new readers :)

    I haven't heard of Douglas Coupland, but I will add him to my list of authors to read in the (hopefully) near future.

    And yes, I've faced that same sort of harassment for not drinking, however it's mostly subsided as I tend to socialize with people I know, and people I know respect my decision not to drink. But as you've found, my experience suggests that most people take part in some consumption of drugs or alcohol, at least on a social basis. I don't begrudge them that. I understand it's significance as a social lubricant, and I even support certain drugs like marijuana for medical reasons. But I also feel it's all a big waste of money and time. So I'd rather not indulge.

    But thanks for sharing your conclusion. Despite idealism's faults, I also feel it's best to hold ourselves to higher standards despite how often we fail to achieve them. Because the times we actually follow through make all the difference.

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  4. Hi Danny,
    Thanks for your response! I just found out that Coupland is doing the Massey Lecture this year! If you've never heard of them they're pretty amazing - Margret Atwood did hers in 2007. I guess Coupland plans to tell a story instead of doing a traditional lecture this year so it'll be a neat way for you to see if you like his style without having to buy one of his books.

    Here's the link: http://www.cbc.ca/ideas/episodes/massey-lectures/2010/11/08/massey-lectures-2010-player-one-what-is-to-become-of-us/

    You can listen to it on CBC radio. However, because you're in the US you'll probably have to stream it online or if you have Sirius CBC has a channel on there. 137 I think.

    I hope you're having a good week!

    Kim

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  5. Thanks for the heads up, Kim. I'll see if I can't find one of his books at the local, independent store. Haven't heard of the Massey Lecture, but that doesn't mean much. I haven't heard of a lot of things. Hah.

    When is this supposed to happen? Or ... I guess I should just check out the link.

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  6. Coming from someone who grew up street punk and has since went more towards the metal/punk crossover of crust and the (for the most part) calming and catchy beats of peace punk I'd say straightedge is another sub-genre of punk rock. As such I would say that the idea that is so lost now a days is that punk rock is what you make it. It's mostly just being true to yourself. So you dig sex? Chances are those people that would give you flack about it don't know what the hell they are talking about.
    The fact that I've seen Ian Mackaye at the Black Cat throwing back brews says something in the way of that. Life happens and sometimes the ideals that you started out with all wide-eyed and bushy tailed don't hold as much weight after you get some life experience under your belt.
    Chances are anyone taking straightedge (or any other label or lifestyle) to an extreme where logic is ignored are mainly interested in making themselves stand out and seem more "in". And, really...who are they fooling anyway?

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  7. Hey SaraKhunt-

    You're completely right. It's just that as a kid, the name attached to a particular idealist position is probably more important than what it stands for. But I still have this nostalgia for the mindset. Because for many youth, its completely real regardless of the faulty logic, or lack of commitment.

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  8. Hey Danny,

    I dunno if you've seen it, but you should check out Edge The Movie (http://www.theedgeprojectmovie.com/), there's a quote from Ian MacKaye which is pretty good to know, i dunno where you'd stand on it being that you're fucking for a living not for a quest, but it might be of use one day...

    “i’ve never been anti sex, what i was opposed to was abusive, manipulative, quest oriented sexual behaviour, where people didn’t respect other people, and thought mostly, they just wanted to fuck them”

    From one straight edge guy to another, stay true.
    JxM

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  9. Hey Jon,

    Haven't seen the movie before so thanks for the heads up.

    Although I had never heard McKaye talk about sex, my thoughts were along the same lines that it's about treating your body with respect, and therefore treating others with respect too.

    Perhaps my mind would have drifted to the possibility of contracting STI's through promiscuity, but MacKaye's ethical concerns seem just as valid.

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