The Evolution of a Jerk (Off)

May is Masturbation Month. Carlin Ross told me so.



The Evolution of a Jerk (Off)

1. It feels good but nothing comes out. I think I'm watching cartoons, or Sesame Street. The images don't matter.

2. Dad lives alone but still gets mom's Victoria's Secret catalogs. They look nice. Also, there's a couple of boys on the block who blow each other behind a large bush. I don't know what that means yet. But they say it feels like a girl.

I prefer looking at the catalogs.

3. Dad gets cable. Showtime is free for a month. I discover Beverly Hills Bordello. The TV is right below my dad's room. So I watch it with the sound off. It's nerve-racking. And the parts without sex make me want to shoot myself.

After a month, it looks scrambled. Sometimes there are good nights. On the bad ones, I masturbate to blurry lines.

4. We get the Internet. I play video games until two-in-the-morning. Then I start shaking. The pictures take too long to load. If my mom finds out... I don't know. I blame the browser's history on someone else.

5. My friend finds a magazine. The center-fold is that woman from Jackie Brown. We take it on our school trip to New York City. And we take turns jerking off in the hotel bathroom.

Later, there's a VHS. We codename it Gorillas in the Mist so we don't get in trouble for talking about it.

6. In high school, the Internet is faster (sort of). Napster is cool, but Kazaa is better – because I can find more porn than I know what to do with.

Jerking off becomes a ritual with no specific location, time, or purpose. It just happens every day.

7. When I start having sex, it doesn't matter. Maybe I jerk off more.

8. I go away to college and do some porn films. My first rule goes into effect: no jerking off on the day of a scene. At least until it's over.

After my first fail, I become more strict. No jerking off (or sex) the night before. I follow this until it becomes too annoying. And I learn some mind control.

Still, no jerking off on the day of a scene. For a number of reasons (i.e. the more cum, the better).

9. Tough situations require tough fantasies. It's the first time I feel guilty jerking off since grammar school.

10. My friends admit to jerking off to horse porn and snuff films.

I discover 4chan.

The guilt disappears.

11. I masturbate in the bathroom before scenes. I rub my cock through my jeans. I get used to doing this in front of people, friends, and performers. Sometimes I catch myself doing it at school. Whatever.

12. I masturbate on webcam. People pay to watch.

I have sex for work.

I have sex with my girlfriend.

Jerking off for fun becomes a delicacy. Because I'm, like, running out of cum.

13. A webcam client finds my address and plans to visit me. I stop webcamming as much. It allows for more jerking off. Sort of.

14. I realize the majority of my jerking off happens on set – before the scene, during the scene, right before I cum on a girl's face, or when she's in the bathroom or something.

It doesn't really bother me.

15. It still happens and it's still pretty fun. But I'm pretty sure I inspire it more than I do it myself.

Maybe one day I'll find more time for self-love. Right now, this shit's expensive.