Saturday, May 7, 2011

The Evolution of a Jerk (Off)



May is Masturbation Month. Carlin Ross told me so.



The Evolution of a Jerk (Off)

1. It feels good but nothing comes out. I think I'm watching cartoons, or Sesame Street. The images don't matter.

2. Dad lives alone but still gets mom's Victoria's Secret catalogs. They look nice. Also, there's a couple of boys on the block who blow each other behind a large bush. I don't know what that means yet. But they say it feels like a girl.

I prefer looking at the catalogs.

3. Dad gets cable. Showtime is free for a month. I discover Beverly Hills Bordello. The TV is right below my dad's room. So I watch it with the sound off. It's nerve-racking. And the parts without sex make me want to shoot myself.

After a month, it looks scrambled. Sometimes there are good nights. On the bad ones, I masturbate to blurry lines.

4. We get the Internet. I play video games until two-in-the-morning. Then I start shaking. The pictures take too long to load. If my mom finds out... I don't know. I blame the browser's history on someone else.

5. My friend finds a magazine. The center-fold is that woman from Jackie Brown. We take it on our school trip to New York City. And we take turns jerking off in the hotel bathroom.

Later, there's a VHS. We codename it Gorillas in the Mist so we don't get in trouble for talking about it.

6. In high school, the Internet is faster (sort of). Napster is cool, but Kazaa is better – because I can find more porn than I know what to do with.

Jerking off becomes a ritual with no specific location, time, or purpose. It just happens every day.

7. When I start having sex, it doesn't matter. Maybe I jerk off more.

8. I go away to college and do some porn films. My first rule goes into effect: no jerking off on the day of a scene. At least until it's over.

After my first fail, I become more strict. No jerking off (or sex) the night before. I follow this until it becomes too annoying. And I learn some mind control.

Still, no jerking off on the day of a scene. For a number of reasons (i.e. the more cum, the better).

9. Tough situations require tough fantasies. It's the first time I feel guilty jerking off since grammar school.

10. My friends admit to jerking off to horse porn and snuff films.

I discover 4chan.

The guilt disappears.

11. I masturbate in the bathroom before scenes. I rub my cock through my jeans. I get used to doing this in front of people, friends, and performers. Sometimes I catch myself doing it at school. Whatever.

12. I masturbate on webcam. People pay to watch.

I have sex for work.

I have sex with my girlfriend.

Jerking off for fun becomes a delicacy. Because I'm, like, running out of cum.

13. A webcam client finds my address and plans to visit me. I stop webcamming as much. It allows for more jerking off. Sort of.

14. I realize the majority of my jerking off happens on set – before the scene, during the scene, right before I cum on a girl's face, or when she's in the bathroom or something.

It doesn't really bother me.

15. It still happens and it's still pretty fun. But I'm pretty sure I inspire it more than I do it myself.

Maybe one day I'll find more time for self-love. Right now, this shit's expensive.

8 comments:

  1. Lol, Gorillas in the Mist? Classic. :P Man, VHS seems like SO long ago...

    For some reason, that reminds me of this magical ability I had when I was younger to be able to find anyone's porn stash, anywhere. This kid I used to babysit in high school had a dad who was apparently a porn ADDICT - we had to use the bathroom downstairs for awhile because the upstairs one was getting renovated, and under some partition I found STACKS of porno mags. Plus I found a couple tapes in my parents' room by accident and it totally grossed me out thinking about them doing that kind of thing, but it's pry the same for most people. :P

    ReplyDelete
  2. I never had male friends with whom I could trade porn but lots of my female friends and I would trade porn... that was back in the dvd days tho so instead of funny names we'd crack open the inside back of a cd and slide it in there so it just looked like we were trading music haha. I'm wondering if Gorillas in the Mist is a movie I'm to young to know the reference to....

    ReplyDelete
  3. Gorillas in the Mist is a bad 80's movie with Sigourney Weaver. I'm not actually sure that any of us had actually seen it. We may have just used the cover to hide the movie. So... Similar to your CD trading, Andrick.

    And nice treasure-hunting skills, Amanda. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  4. *bows* Let it never be said that I wasn't good at anything. :P

    ReplyDelete
  5. Danny, have to ask this. What non-porno movie was your favorite to jerk off to growing up?

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hi Daniel!
    I'm your fan!

    hugs

    my email:thiagosd_quimica@hotmail.com

    ReplyDelete
  7. Erik,

    I know there were quite a few that I jerked off to growing up. The only one I can distinctly remember is The Devil's Advocate.

    And Thiago,

    I'm not going to email you for no specific reason. You can contact me at BieberWishList (at) gmail (dot) com if you really want to.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Why do you think Gorillas in the Mist was a bad movie?

    ReplyDelete